Pez Ponders

As people keep reminding me, I am now what is referred to as ‘middle aged’. I’m not sure I agree. I intend to live long after I’m 80, assuming I’m lucky enough to be healthy and enjoy life. Otherwise, how will I become the badly behaved and inappropriate old woman that I dream of being. It appears that a certain amount of respect and freeing acceptance is afforded to older generations that I fully intend to take advantage of.  

This started me pondering, can middle aged be a good stage of life? can being in the middle of anything be a positive experience?  And that’s the question I intend to explore in this blog.

Linked to this, I also stated to think about whether our innate desire, as a human, to fit in and follow the status quo, means that by definition we deliberately put ourselves in the middle and therefore make ourselves average? And having seen this written in black and white, is this really what we should be aiming for – just average…  

There are some easy examples of where being in the middle may not be the best place – I’ve yet to personally go into a pay review and argue for the middle of the band, in those situations I always push for the top, armed with extensive evidence of why that is the case.

Similarly, in the UK we typically have 3 personal tax bands. The first being where no tax is payable, the top where the income is so high that the impact on the additional stoppages is limited and then the middle band which in my opinion is the worse. You earn a relatively good wage in terms of being above the average in the UK but not enough to not feel the impact of the increased tax obligations. I remember bringing home nearly the same money when I secured a £10k pay rise following a promotion that took me into a new band¹. 

Also, irrespective of what certain commenters say on the ‘snowflake’ generation, no-one in the real world ever wins a competition, award or any other accolade for being average.

In terms of position in a family, I have a running joke with my parents that I am the middle unloved child. My sister – The Princess – was first born and was also the first grandchild on one side – so loved, adored and spoilt. My brother – The Boy/The Baby – the long awaited boy! and then there’s me. I always felt that I had to do something or be different in some way to stand out. So I went to University, bought a house (well, 156 bricks – please see my earlier post, maybe 157 now that another monthly payment has gone) and got married, making me the first of my parent’s children to do so. However, did I truly feel like a middle unloved child or do I just like to tease my parents. I think it’s the latter in all honesty as irrespective of my place in my family, I’d have still achieved the things I detailed above as they were my ambitions and dreams. My parents love me dearly and I would concede not differently to my sister or my brother. Although, I will use the term middle unloved child where I needed to get a gain or a laugh!

If anything being in the middle has been a blessing as I’m the only one of us to be a younger and older sibling.

So, what about in life. For simplicity, I’m going to use three stages of life, birth to 30(ish), 30 (ish) to retirement and after retirement. As I’m yet to reach retirement, I’ll base my comments on what I think this may be like and from what I see, from those around me that are retired. That said, I imagine with the ever moving age of retirement in the UK, mine may look very different by the time I eventually get there in 28 years’ time².

In terms of living arrangements, the younger generation get to live with family and then friends – like university where strangers are randomly put to live together that, if you’re lucky become lifelong friends. You have always got support and company. I really enjoyed my time living with my family and then my friends. I pushed it for as long as I could, I think it was when me and my friends were about 24/25 years old when our then boyfriends, now husbands, put their foot down and said we had to live with them….I still refer to this as the era we had to move in with the smelly boys – who says you always have to be mature as a middle aged woman!

People sometimes also think I am joking when I say I have no concerns about going into a retirement flat when me and the husband are older. why would we not want to be live with people of our own generation, with shared interests in what always appear to be beautiful flats along the beach fronts. My dream is to live by the sea and with the house prices in these areas as they are, I imagine the retirement option may be the way I achieve this dream.

In the intervening years, I think your circumstances come into play a lot more. If you are in a settled relationship or have a family, these may be wonderful years. I am fortunate to live in a beautiful home with my husband and gorgeous cat – Molly. However, I reflect on what society tells us in terms of people delaying and deciding not to have a family, the rise in divorce rates and the increase in loneliness and wonder whether having complexes built where people of similar ages could live together may be a good idea. As humans, we seek to find our tribe, our people, and although age may not be the only factor to consider, having options for like minded people to live together, but independently could not be a bad thing. Maybe somewhat romantically, I imagine it would be like a constant party, lots of carnage, camaraderie and fun.

Turning to look at how resources may change over a typical life cycle, the middle doesn’t seem to be that bad. When I’m driving and see teens in groups walking the streets, sitting in the park or notice a group sharing one meal between them to sit in the warmth of a café, I am thankful that I now have the resources to either pay for a meal with friends or a home that we can gather in. Although, I do have fond memories of hanging around with friends most evenings, even the rain didn’t seem to stop us from just wanting to be together and walk around randomly. Nowadays, with most of my friends having children, plans to meet up need military planning. So maybe on reflection, maybe the lack of resource was a reasonable price to pay for being together and making memories. I grew up in the 90’s, no mobile phone until we were circa 16,  so we actually used to sit and talk to each other – novel eh? Although it was always a bit more worrying on whether you were waiting in the right meeting place as no way to contact your friends but on a positive note – limited photographic evidence of all the fun, stupid things we got up to.

In terms of relationships, I can confidently say that I don’t miss the days of teenage all-consuming crushes or the angst of the ‘do they like me back’ or ‘are we going to kiss at the school disco’. Spoiler, I was very often the girl best friend rather than one they liked back…I think this impacted my confidence in later life – but that’s a post for another day!

I recently read that, on average, people will have 3 great loves of their lives³– the love that looks right, the hard love and the love that lasts. The first 2 tend to be in the earlier stage of life so theoretically, relationships at middle age should be more established and straight forward. I’m not sure that is true.

I understand the concept of this article, but in my life, all 3 have been satisfied by the same relationship. As I mentioned previously, I have been with my husband from the age of 18,we have just passed the 22 year milestone. Over this time I think we, like any other couple, have had ups and downs, things that have made us grow apart, things that have brought us back together. At the same time as navigating the relationship, we have had to learn who we are as individuals, what we bring to the relationship and what drives us individually so that we can be stronger together. This is a journey that continues. Although on the more materialistic side, we have definitely experienced more spontaneous nights out, adventures or amazing holidays in the past few years – this may link back to increased resources in middle age.

I have friends that have looked to start new relationships in later life and it appears to be more difficult and complex. Difficult, as typically there are fewer social interactions, not like when they were teenagers and in early 20s and going out all weekend. Potentially more complex, as there may be new factors to consider such as children and also, the degree at which a person has become comfortable with living independently and therefore it has to be something special for this to be given up.   

As a Pisces, I am a romantic at heart and agree with the late, great David Bowie who said that “the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return” and this is true irrespective of your stage in life.

There is also, what I consider to be a material change you may experience in ‘middle age’ and that’s the changing dynamic between you and your parents/in-laws. No-one seems to talk or prepare you for this fundamental change. I used to believe that Doctors Receptionists were some of the best group of gatekeepers in the medical sector, and that they could have easily moonlighted as club bouncers. However, in recent months I have become on first name terms with this fantastic group of people as they’ve helped me navigate the medical processes needed to support my parents and father-in-law.

And don’t get me started on teaching parents how to use technology or guide them in relation to the world where scams are rife. Although, it is refreshing to a degree as this may be the last generation that truly trust people and take them at face value. As much as no-one seems to prepare children for this change, it also appears to be a difficult for the parents to adjust to. In my experience, my support is very much appreciated and welcomed, but there are times when the parents will impart life wisdom or want to pay for things to remind us, and them, that they are still the parents. I think its very important to be gracious at such times, it’s a learning curve for both parties as we’ll always be their babies.

I speak about this change in dynamics coming with middle age, but I must acknowledge that for some, this change comes at a much earlier stage. I have so much respect and admiration for young carers – it has been a challenging transition for me, I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to adapt to this role, at the same time as learning and discovering who you are as a person.  

Linked to this change, I often wonder what will happen to me and my husband when we need additional support as we have no children. I know that children are not born to support their parents, but it is generally how life goes. This is why I strive to be the best aunty I can be and I’m also not above a bit of bribery to achieve this title 😊. I also guess this may be a reason why I have such a positive view on assisted living (see above).

Another element that popped into my head when considering the middle, is very personal to me. I often get told I live in extremes in terms of my feelings and emotions. This may be linked to ADHD which I am currently awaiting an assessment for. My sister will regularly say to me that she wishes she got as excited as me about things. I agree with her, I love the feeling of elation even over the small things, however the cost of this excitement and positivity is that I also feel the lows more. In instances that others may be able to just brush off, I can ruminate for days. My reiki master also identified this trait in me and regularly reminds me of the importance of balance. My career break is providing me with time for self-reflection on this aspect of my life. I learned and engaged some tips and tricks that I hope will help me achieve this elusive balance. I’m still a work in progress but identifying it has been a positive step.

In conclusion, with the exception of financials and achievements, I would say that being in the middle or indeed, middle aged, is not so bad. It can come with new roles, increased resources and opportunities to make amazing memories.

As a family, we recently hit the heartbreaking milestone of 7 years since my brother passed away – this serves as a timely reminder that growing old/older is not a luxury afforded to all and so we should grasp it with both hands and live it to the full. That said, although, I am comfortable with moving to the middle stages of my life, I’m not so comfortable with making myself average. My brother definitely wasn’t average, he made his short life count and left his imprint on all the lives that he touched,  so I will continue to strive for the same and make my life exceptional, within the confines of balance 😊.  

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Comments in green, are the tangential thoughts I had while writing this. It’s one of the quirks of how my brain works.

1. This is not intended to be accurate or as a tax lesson or political point, but merely an anecdote from my experience. ↩︎
2. Personal view and not a political point. ↩︎
3. We Only Fall in Love with 3 People in Our Lifetime — Each One for a Specific Reason – Love What Matters accessed 10/09/2023 ↩︎