There have been a couple of occasions recently that have made me ponder perspectives – why we have them, how they are created and whether they change. My understanding is that perspectives are a tool that we use as humans to better understand the world around us, someone or something. They can be informed by a number of factors, the majority of which being personal to the individual that holds them. Therefore, perspectives can provide as much insight to the person that hold them, as they do to the someone or something they are commenting on. Pondering on this subject over the last few weeks has made me really reflective in relation to perspectives, perceptions and opinions that I hold.
The first time I actively thought about this recently was when I was walking around a lovely water park with my amazing nephew. We parked in the visitor’s carpark but the pay machine was not working. It was a gorgeous day; we knew we would only be about half hour so I decided to risk leaving my car without a ticket and go for the planned walk. On the way back to the car park, it appeared that the large iron gate to the carpark had been closed. My first thought was ‘oh shite – I shouldn’t have risked it’ quickly followed by ‘how will we get home?’, ‘when will I get my car back’ and ‘I hope this situation doesn’t upset or unsettle my nephew’. My body language must have changed as the thoughts ran through my mind and my very perceptive nephew asked what was wrong. I explained that the gate was closed and I was wondering how we would get home. He very simply and calmly said to me, it’s not closed. When I asked him how he knew that, he pulled me to stand where he was. From the new angle, I could see that the gate was indeed open and my initial perspective had deceived me. It was incredible to me, that my brain, without confirmation that my car was actually locked in, went straight worry and solution mode. When all that was needed was the fresh eyes of a 10-year-old to see that there was no problem. Those that have read earlier posts, will know I’m a person who plays by the rules (maybe some times too much). I think the moment I decided to leave my car without paying, I assumed that something would go wrong. When really it was a perfectly acceptable thing to do when the pay machine was out of order. (Maybe I need to train my rebellious side more!)
The following week, a friend of mine who loves his cars (and motorbikes for that matter), popped over to show me his new sporty car. I cannot tell you too much about the car, as I’m terrible as that sort of thing. It was white, shiny and had a dashboard that looked, to me, like a spaceship. He offered to take me for a spin, having been in the house all day and given how lovely the car was, I jumped at the chance. We travelled down a dual carriageway near my house. As he showed me what his new car could do (0-60 in some really impressive time I am told), I noticed that it was making the noise I’d always associated with ‘boy racers’. The sound that usually made me think…DICK!…ok we get it, you have a powerful car with an exhaust that would not look out of place on a spaceship – get over yourself. (Wait – was I abducted and actually in a spaceship….? Why do they keep jumping into my mind?)
But this time I was the one in the impressive car with its fresh new car smell, I was loving it and felt absolutely no shame, not even when people tried to stare us down at traffic lights and roundabouts.
This made me think about how the role we play in a situation affects our perception of it.
Considering this further, I recalled the return journey from a fantastic girl’s weekend trip in London. We’d had a great time and were not ready for the fun to stop, so we continued with a few drinks, bizarre conversations and lots of giggles. I laughed so much I gave myself a stomach and headache. However, the next week, I was on the train back to London on my own for work and did not take too kindly to the loud group in my carriage. I kept thinking, ‘please shut up’, ‘that’s not even funny’ and ‘do you not care what people must be thinking of you’. How judgemental for a person who had done the exact same thing merely 5 days prior. But as I was not the one having the fun, my perspective on the situation along with the appropriateness of the behaviour was entirely different.
This got me wondering as to the other factors which may impact my perspectives and how I apply them to people and situations. There are wonderful books out there that will speak to the psychological and behavioural reasons of this element of human nature. I don’t intend to teach deep theory, merely to provide comment from my perspective (see what I did there?).
The main factors I brainstormed were:
In light of all the factors, I had an idea to test whether one of my long-held perspectives held true, particularly given that I am older and have so many more life experiences.
Perspective: My paternal grandfather was not a good man.
Background: I was lucky to have 4 living grandparents when I was born. My maternal grandfather unfortunately passed away when I was only 2. Although my time with him was limited and at a stage of my life that it difficult to remember, I know he loved me and I get such warm feelings thinking of and hearing stories about him. He provided me with my reference point as to what a good grandfather looked like.
My relationship with my paternal grandfather was very different. He was unfaithful to my grandmother, which resulted in him having another child and ultimately led to my grandparents’ divorce. Divorce in the 1980’s was not common – it came with a lot of stigma, bizarrely mostly levied at the woman. My grandmother handled the matter admirably, kept her family together, helped her 4 children adapt to a new family dynamic and even got herself a mortgage. A woman gaining a mortgage, by herself, in the early 1980’s was no mean feat. She worked tirelessly and was so proud the day she finished repaying her mortgage: she had done it on her own and secured a financial inheritance for her children. To say my grandmother was formidable would be an understatement, but she balanced this strength with extreme kindness and love. She was, and will always be, a true inspiration to me. It is also because of her that the women on my father’s side of the family are so fiercely strong and independent (the boys are ok too 😊).
As I reread this blog before publishing it, it dawned on me that my obsession with owning my own house may well be linked to my grandmother and her situation – good to see the positive impact she continues to have on my life.
Anyway, back to my point. After the divorce, I had very little interaction with my paternal grandfather. My parents would make us visit on Christmas Day but that was really the extent of the relationship. I don’t recall a time when he ever visited my childhood home or showed any interest in getting to know me and my siblings as people. At times, I wished that he would change and make more of an effort with us, especially as I had lost my other grandfather, but my 2 grandmothers (Mam and Mamma) provided us with so much support, love and magical memories, I didn’t dwell on it too often.
Outcome: In my adult life, I have witnessed my parents and some of my close friends get divorced – from these situations, I can now appreciate that divorce is not an easy option but preferable to staying in a marriage that is not working. I can also see that breaking my grandmother’s heart in the short term, allowed her to live a more fulfilled life in the long run, making her the amazing strong matriarch of our family.
Also, I have heard stories of my grandfather being a good brother, good friend, supportive father and grandfather to his second family. Based on these stories, I am able to see him as a more complete person, rather than just the role he played in my life. He may have been a villain for part of my story, but I can equally see how he may be seen as a hero to others who knew him.
I think it is fair to say that my perspective has changed in relationship to my grandfather – I’m really glad I spent the time reflecting on this.
At the opening of this piece, I acknowledged how useful and helpful perspectives are to humans, my ponderings only served to reaffirm this view. However, the element I feel empowered by having reflected on this topic, is the level of control we have over our perspectives. We create, store and decide what perspectives are applied in different situations and towards certain people. Using the analogy of our mind, where our perspectives are stored, being a filing cabinet, it is fair to believe that the information it holds should be subject to regular review to assess what is still required, what may need updating and what can be shredded.
My approach to my cabinet review is going to consider such questions as, why do I hold certain perspectives? do they serve me and my purpose? as well as considering what perspectives I could update or create to aid my goal of living a happy fulfilled life. (Soooo many more questions and ponderings, surely, at some point I’ll write a blog that provides answers??? 😉)
As a starter for ten, I am no longer going to see people with big, noisy exhausts as DICKS and be more tolerant of noisy people on trains, instead amending my perspective to ‘how lucky those people are to be having that fun and making memories’. It is inevitable that we will use perspectives, but we can decide whether theses have a positive or negative impact. I’m striving for positive – I don’t want to be perceived as a negative Nelly 😊.
I’d love to hear what steadfast perspectives you have, and what others you would create or update – pop it in the comments….
Just for fun:
***Comments in green, are the tangential thoughts I had while writing the blog. It’s one of the quirks of how my brain works.***
Pez Ponders 
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