Pez Ponders

I turned 40 in March, and although this didn’t bother me from a strict age perspective, it made me take stock and reflect on where I am in my life. It prompted me to ask myself impossible questions like:

• Am I genuinely happy with my life and what I have achieved?
• What is my purpose in life? linked to this, what is the purpose of life generally?
• If this is half way through the game called life, what do I want to do in the second half?

Despite the amount of free cake I received (wearing a 40^th tiara when eating out from February to June – was a great idea!), and an amazing trip to Las Vegas for the big day, I don’t seem able to shake these questions and I’m not 100% comfortable with the answers my mind is offering.

Am I happy?

Yes, generally I am. If I’d have been offered my life now in my teenage years, I would have been elated and grabbed it with both hands.

I’m married to a wonderful man whom I’ve been with for 22 years, we live, and must by now own at least 156 bricks, of a beautiful house in a nice village just outside Cardiff. I have the most amazing group of friends anyone could ever ask for and a loving, supportive family. I also, until recently, had a very well paid, Monday to Friday, nice clean job – a long way from my £3.25 per hour first job at McDonalds.

That all said, the last few years have not been the easiest. We experienced, as a family, one of the worse possible losses when my beautiful, brave younger brother died of a brain tumour at only 31 years old. We miss him dearly and the whole family has become a lot closer through the grief. A life event such as this reminds us that time is precious and shouldn’t be taken for granted. This sentiment can be easily forgotten in modern times.  I’ve struggled with my mental health and burnt out twice over the last 18 months.

The other aspect I internally struggle with is that I feel I have always played things safe. Professionally, I followed the well-trodden path of full time education, gain a good job and climb the ladder, irrespective of whether you are even on the right ladder for you.

Personally, I have stayed in my ‘lane’, lived plainly for fear of what other people would say or think – even complete strangers. One thing I’ve loved since being 40 is learning to care a bit less I refer you back to the constant tiara wearing!. Although, I’m still a far way from totally not caring what people think and being fully comfortable in my skin. (What do they always say on reality shows…it’s a journey right?) I want to put myself out there more, wear the unusual outfit, the hat that is probably too big and make a noise on karaoke – what I comes out of my mouth could never be described as singing 😊

On a wall in my ‘cwtch’ I have the following Roald Dahl quote: “Never do anything by halves if you want to get away with it. Be outrageous, go the whole hog. Make everything so completely crazy it’s unbelievable”¹, instead of just valuing this notion, I should trust my fellow country man and embrace this as a way of living.  

What is my purpose?

This is probably the question that I find the most difficult to answer. I know the roles I play and the ‘hats’ I wear in my life but this doesn’t provide clarity on my purpose. I’m reading lots of books and articles that propose to help me find my purpose so maybe I’ll have an answer soon.  If anyone has any tips on finding their purpose, I’m all ears!  

The second half – what does it look like?

In my personal life, I am committed to spend time getting to know myself again, finding out what makes me happy/brings me joy and to do more of that. As new age or wanky, as that may sound, I think as we get older, we get too regimented with ourselves and do not give as much importance to happiness and joy. In January a friend and I snuck onto a bouncy castle while on holiday and had an absolute ball, I’ve never laughed so much – why did we ever stop doing this???. I definitely want to worry less, care less (about the wrong things) and have more adventures making magical memories.

Professionally, I made the bold decision to quit my job (after much discussion and negotiation with the husband). My intention to reset and rebalance. I appreciate that everyone may not be in a position to do this, especially with the current cost of living crisis so I am adamant to use this time wisely and make the right choices as to my next steps.

A friend asked me over 2 years ago what I would want to do if there were no external factors to consider. I immediately answered that I’d be a writer. She and our other friends were surprised by my answer (I worked in a very regulated role), and I was surprised at how quickly I said it. That conversation stayed with me for a number of weeks whilst I reminisced on how much I loved getting lost in stories, entering someone else’s world and wanting to be friends with the characters etc. But then, as time passed, I fell back into real life and didn’t think anything further of it. But now I have no excuse to not explore this further. I am not naïve enough to think, being a writer can become my full time career and I am realistic  enough to know my limitations in terms of vocabulary and grammar skills. However I am passionate, have ideas and can write in a straight forward manner that people may enjoy so I created this blog. Within it, I’ll share my perspective on things that I have pondered on during the week. This is my tool to help hone my writing skills so please bear with me.

Some other things you may want to know about me:

• I don’t have any children. This was not out of choice, but my husband and I were never blessed in that way. Although, this will always be a lifetime regret for us, we try to focus on the positives like having fabulous holidays in adult only hotels…I’ve learnt that I like children who I know – my nephew, my friend’s kids (the ones most likely to look after me in my old age) – but I don’t have as much patience with other people’s kids.

• I want to be more open about mental health.  Historically, I would not share this information as I didn’t want to be seen as weak or give anyone, what I perceived to be ammunition, to use against me. I hid my struggles even during interactions where it may have been beneficial to have shared this information. But I no longer want to feed into the narrative that mental health struggles are a weakness and if people were to use it against me, they are not people I would want to surround myself with.

• I believe I may also have ADHD. My nephew was recently diagnosed with this and the more I’ve read, particularly in relation to how it impacts women, the more I can relate. Instead of avoiding this, like when I first suffered from depression (see growth), I am dealing with it head on and will be undertaking an assessment over the coming months. Anyone else in this boat knows how long the waiting lists are, even to go private…

• On a lighter note, I’m a very proud Welsh person, born on St. David’s Day. I’m a terrible joke teller as I’ll either forget the punchline or find it so funny that I laugh so much to myself that I can’t get the punch line out. I’m a professional binge watcher of box sets particularly coming of age programmes (I am unsure of why this is, I definitely wouldn’t want to be back to the angsty teenage years, maybe it’s the innocence of the genre, the beginning of love stories – I love love or the locations…I always wanted to be in a school with lockers) and I adore musicals. I know the importance of making memories and recording these, so I’m also the annoying person in a group with a camera out.

So, in the words of Keala Settle “This is me”² (The Greatest Showman is such an amazing film). If you’re interested in seeing what the conclusion to my career break is or have a burning desire to know a 40 years olds’ views on random things, why not follow me or subscribe on this platform.

Comments and constructive criticism welcome.

*Comments in green, are the tangential thoughts I had while writing this. Its one of the quirks of how my brain works.